The Value of One Day

Let me start by saying how much I hate writing what I am about to write. It is an anguish that has always been mine and mine alone. I'm not writing now to share this with anyone. Please, if you are not extremely close to me just stop reading now. And even if you consider yourself a dear friend, please do not post a comment. The only reason I am writing this now, after more than five years, is because I can't carry the weight of regret and self pity any longer.

I will begin at the crossroads of my life. My Mama passed away on August 1, 2002. She had just turned fifty years old on January 1st, and I would turn twenty-five on August 16th. In just over ten months, my wife and I would have a child of our own. He would become the first Grandchild on both sides of the family. He would also be the first Grandchild that my Mama didn't get to see on this earth.

Skip to present day. It's been over five years now. My first son is in preschool. He's already said his first words and taken his first steps. He is now a big brother, joined by another boy who is nearing two years. The youngest has also said his first words and taken his first steps. Time has a way of changing milestones into memories before we even have time to enjoy them. Currently, my oldest son is more interested in teaching the youngest Remington how to pronounce more complex words, such as xylophone. He tells me that Jackson (the youngest) is ready for this because "he has more hair." More hair compared to what, I am not sure. But by Brennan's (the oldest) logic, the members of ZZ Top should be college professors.

As I try to keep up with my life as it speeds by, all pieces moving toward some end result that I hope to influence as much as possible, I can't help but regret all of the good times my Mama is missing. I know she would have been, beyond any comparison, the best Grandma ever. I think of how excited she would have been to spend one day at school with Brennan, or even one day at home listening to Jackson cry at nap time. I think of these things, and then I think of how much I take these same things for granted.

What would just one more day be worth. If I could bring Mama back, just for one day, what would I give up? My house? My car? My chance to ever watch another LSU football game again? Honestly, I would give up all these things and more just to watch my Mama spend one day with my kids. And the hard thing is that I know that will never happen. So what should one day be worth to me?

I've always told myself that this situation is a test of my faith. That may be true, but it's still hard and it still sucks and I still don't want it. I ask God to forgive me several times each month, but not having Mama here with us is something that has caused me to question my entire spiritual foundation. Although I'm still working through it, I still hold the same beliefs as I did before Mama passed away. I know she was able to spend time with my children in Heaven, and I know she watches over them. But I'm selfish and petty, and I want her to augment my love for my children. And I don't want the "she watches them from above" answer. I want her here, in flesh and bone, to hold my boys. I want her to share in the excitement of their lives. I know that her being here and seeing how much I care for them wouldn't change how much I love them, but a son will always look to his Mother for approval and that is something I just don't have. So I'm left wondering how different life would be had Mama won her battle and remained on this earth.

I just found out recently that a friend is battling a life threatening illness of his own. He is someone who enjoys life very much, and he seems to spend his time uplifting those around him. I look at my own life, which isn't guaranteed to last long enough for me to finish writing this, and I wonder how much I value the time I have. I think about if I were on the other side, and it was my life that was in the balance, how much value just one more day with my wife and children would hold...and I am dumbstruck as to why I'm not living my life based on that price tag. I feel ashamed, and I apologize to my Mama and my God. Please forgive me.

Evil Corporate Amercia

My friend Mick hates evil corporations. For some reason he attacks Wal-Mart. I think it's because he is from up North. Anyway, I've been playing this McDonalds game online for a while, and I thought I would post the link. There's not much to the game, and I don't understand how you win, but it's a decent way to waste an hour. Here's the link:
http://www.mcvideogame.com/index-eng.html

New Year Resolutions

Okay, so this year I bought into the farce that is the New Year Resolution. I always felt too mature for that stuff, but something really tugged at my heartstrings early this year and I just can't ignore the spirit. It's something that affects so many yet remains widely ignored by the general public. I guess that just proves what a sad state this world is in right now. But I think we can all agree that Kangaroo Blindness is a relatively new and terrifying issue plaguing the animal population. Kangaroo Blindness, linked to a virus dubbed Wallal Virus, is the cause of this scourge against our Australian friends. I can't speak for everyone, but I know I don't want my children growing up in a world where a kangaroo who isn't visually impaired is looked upon as some sort of miracle.

It is for this reason that I will be working to establish a charity to fight Kangaroo Blindness. I haven't purchased rights to a website yet, but I feel that I am accomplishing something just by spreading the word. I think a grassroots campaign might be the most effective way to start the fire burning in hearts across the globe. So please tell a friend about this terrible condition and do your part in making tomorrow a brighter place.

For more information on this condition, please follow this link (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kangaroo) to Wikipedia's Kangaroo page. I would suggest reading the entire article, as there are many fascinating facts about Kangaroos contained in the article. As soon as my charity page is up and running, I will post the link on this page as well.

Fire Department...Eddie's Stuck On A Cloud

Today, Jessie tried to catch our kitchen on fire. I think it's because she doesn't like the green walls, but she insists it was an accident. With Prodigy booming in the background and our children not ten feet away, she dashed grease all over a hot burner to light up the gloomy Omaha evening. Unfortunately for us, Brennan was just coming up the stairs toward the kitchen. The child is already terrified of the smoke alarm (although I don't know why, he is louder than that thing on a good day). As soon as Brennan spotted the flames, he took off quicker than Smokey the Bear chasing down Freddy Forest Fire. He tried to escape by running out the front door, but I stopped him and tried to calm him down. All I could get out of him between the sobs was that "Mom needs to train more on food" and that he was "never going back up there (kitchen) again." This went on for about 30 minutes, with Brennan screaming whenever the pan on the stove was left unattended. We even had to turn the oven off because he was flipping out as long as the light was on. Yes, I double as father and family shrink. It's all in a days work for this dad.

Update

So I haven't blogged in like two months. I've been sick...sue me.

Brennan's Bee Movie

On Saturday, I brought Brennan to see Bee Movie. Although it was a little racy (the main character talked about a suicide pact) it was a pretty decent movie. Now, Brennan is on a honey kick and made us go buy a plastic bear full of honey. If we could just convince him that hamburgers come out of bees behinds, we would be in business. At least this is another food we can add to the short list of things he will eat. It's fun to watch him come home and put on Jackson's way too small bee suit and run around the house. Sometimes I think I forget that he has his own opinion about things, and this was just one time that he reminded me of that. I hope I can enjoy the times that he gets excited, even if it isn't something that really excites his dad. Once he starts showing real interest in LSU and their position in the BCS then all will be right with the world. For now, Bee Movies and honey will do just fine.

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